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A Call for Gentleness…contentiousness
vs. tenderness
A member recently sent me a story with the title, “The Story of Four
Horse.” As the story goes, a man asked an American Indian the name of
his wife. He replied. “She is called Four Horse”. The man said,
“That’s an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?” The Old
Indian answered, “It old Indian name. It mean Nag, Nag, Nag, Nag!”
The story prompted me to my Bible and Proverbs 27:14-15 which reads,
“He that blesseth his friend with a loud
voice, rising early in the morning, it shall be counted a curse to him.
A continual dropping in a very rainy day and a contentious woman are
alike.” Notice immediately that women are not being singled
out here. The admonitions are for both men and women. Most all
biblical admonitions are directed to all of mankind. Referring back to
the Story of Four Horse, clearly a man can be a nag too.
This Notebook piece is not about men or women, but rather a study in
Contentiousness verses Gentleness. The latter is a Godly principle and
fruit of the Holy Spirit. Contentiousness is the opposite of Gentleness
and the two cannot reside in the same heart. Continued contentiousness
can smother the Holy Spirit. It must be overcome.
Word Meanings
I wish to take a look at some word meanings. Doing so will demonstrate
the vast differences in the two concepts.
Contentious:
…taken from multiple sources
1] Given to contention; quarrelsome. Argumentative or belligerent.
2] Given to arguing. Combative and aggressive.
3] Inclined to act in a hostile way.
4] Eristic: One given to or expert in dispute or argument.
5] Polemic: a person engaged in or inclined to controversy, argument or
refutation.
6] Thesaurus: bicker, clash,
debate, disagreement, dispute, quarrel, spat, squabble, tiff, wrangle.
Gentle:
…taken from multiple sources
1] Considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender.
2] Not harsh or severe; mild and soft: a gentle scolding; a gentle
tapping at the window.
3] Not steep or sudden; gradual.
4] To make less severe or intense.
5] Thesaurus:
mild, soft, softhearted, tender, tenderhearted, delicate and kind.
Contentiousness is darkness and gentleness is light. They exist apart.
They counter each other. They cannot exist in the same heart.
Contentiousness is to destruction and gentleness to salvation.
Firstfruits must develop and maintain gentleness in their attitude,
behavior and manner. Notice the biblical admonitions:
And the servant of the Lord must not strive;
but be gentle unto all men, apt to teach, patient. -2 Timothy
2:24
For the phrase, “but be gentle unto all men” the John Gill commentary
states:
“not only to troubled minds, and
wounded consciences, by supplying them with the precious promises and
truths of the Gospel; and to backsliders, by restoring them in a spirit
of meekness; but even to those who contradict the truth, and themselves,
by mild and kind instructions.”
We are to treat our enemies with gentleness. How much more our
friendships, romantic relationships and marriages? How much more our
relationship with the brethren? These must all grow on a foundation of
gentleness. Notice Titus:
To speak evil of no man, to be no brawlers, but gentle shewing all
meekness unto all men. –Titus 3:2
Again from the John Gill on “to be no brawlers, but gentle”:
“to be no brawlers; or "fighters",
either by blows or words; not litigious and quarrelsome, wrangling and
striving about things to no profit, and to the detriment and disturbance
of civil government, churches, neighbourhood, and families; which is
very unbecoming the followers of Jesus, who strove not, nor cried, nor
was his voice heard in the streets. But gentle, showing all meekness to
all men; yielding and giving way, rather choosing to suffer wrong than
to brawl, contend, and litigate a point; taking the advice of Christ in
Matthew 5:39, carrying it in a meek and humble manner to men of all
ranks and degrees, whether superior or inferior, rich or poor, bond or
free, Jews or Gentiles, members of the church, or men of the world.”
Gentleness is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) and therefore a
principle of God. All Godly principles have universal application.
That is, they apply to
individuals, to marriages, to families, to private and public
organizations of every kind. We must invoke gentleness at every
opportunity and not live any aspect of our life in contentiousness.
Notice a couple of scriptures and their meanings:
As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man
to kindle strife. -Proverbs 26:21
For, “as coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire”:
“As brands, wood half burnt, or dead
coals put to live and burning ones, soon take fire and become like them,
and fit and proper fuel for them, and add to their heat.”
If one remains with a contentious
person, he or she will become contentious. We, if possible, must avoid these types of
people. If we are in a situation where getting away is currently
not feasible or practical, then one has to take steps to defuse the each
contentious situation and no allow the negativity to affect one's mind
or character. Pray always for means of emotional, mental and
spiritual escape from the harm.
For, “so is a contentious man to kindle strife”:
“or ‘a man of contentions’; who is given to it, is full of it; it is
agreeable to his natural temper and disposition; he is in his element
when at it; such a man is as fuel to the fire, as a dead coal to a
living one, which increases the heat of it; so does he, he kindles and
spreads the flame of contention and strife.”
A man who is contentious is in his element. He is full of contention.
This is how he operates. Contentiousness spreads strife and
contention. Ultimately few, if any, relationships can long survive this.
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an
angry woman. -Proverbs 21:19
For, “than with a contentious and angry woman”:
“that is always brawling and scolding,
ever in a quarrelsome and angry disposition, and provoking to anger all
about her”
A contentious person is always
brawling and scolding and is ever quarrelsome and angry. I had one such
lady inform me that this is the way she states her case to her man.
This is how she attempts to point out what she sees as offensive in him
and to change it. The lady in question claimed to be a forthright,
honest and tender person and if her man would just yield to her argument
[her contentiousness], he would know only marital bliss. As we
can see from the above scriptures, her way brings about only strife. It
destroys the relationship. It kills marriages and all romantic
relationships. It also destroys the firstfruit in his or her own
Salvation Process. It quenches the Holy Spirit that makes salvation
possible. Notice…
Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.
–Proverbs 13:10
For, “but with the well advised is wisdom”:
“such who are humble and modest will
seek counsel of God; …and ask advice of those who are superior to them
in knowledge and understanding; and so will neither raise contentions
themselves, nor join with those that make them, but do all they can to
lay them; these show that true wisdom is with them.”
Whenever the Bible calls for us to leave off contention, it is a call
for gentleness. Notice…
The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water: therefore
leave off contention, before it be meddled with. – Proverbs 17:14
A fool’s lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes [contention
often leads to blows]. – Proverbs 18:6
Cast out the scorner, and contention shall go out; yea, strife and
reproach shall cease. –Proverbs 22:10
The victim of contentiousness is often forced to cast out the scorner or
to flee from them. We saw this clearly demonstrated in the early
church. Notice…
Paul also and Barnabas continued in Antioch, teaching and preaching the
word of the Lord, with many others also. And some days after Paul said
unto Barnabas, Let us go again and visit our brethren in every city
where we have preached the word of the Lord, and see how they do. And
Barnabas determined to take with them John, whose surname was Mark. But
Paul thought not good to take him with them, who departed from them from
Pamphylia, and went not with them to the work.
And the contention was so sharp between
them, that they departed asunder one from the other: and so
Barnabas took Mark, and sailed unto Cyprus; And Paul chose Silas, and
departed, being recommended by the brethren unto the grace of God. -Acts
15:35-40 [Emphasis mine].
Paul and Barnabas had to part and there is no record of them ever being
together again. I see this with relationships in the church today.
Contentiousness destroyed peace. Gentleness did not have her way.
Chief friends were separated.
What of the Woman of Proverbs 27:15?
Who was this woman? What was her problem? Could the victim of her
contentiousness change her? Does any human have the power to change
this woman? Notice the next verse:
Whosoever hideth her hideth the wind, and the ointment of his hand,
which bewrayeth itself. – Proverbs 27:16
Notice the commentary:
For, “Whosoever hideth her hideth the wind”
“Whoever attempts to stop her brawls and
contentions, to repress and restrain them, and hinder her voice being
heard in the streets, and endeavours to hide the shame that comes upon
herself and family, attempts a thing as impossible as to hide the wind
in the palm of a man's hand, or to stop it from blowing; for as that, by
being restrained or pent up by any methods that can be used, makes the
greater noise, so, by all the means that are used to still a contentious
woman, she is but the more noisy and clamorous, and becomes more
shameful and infamous.”
For, “and the ointment of his
right hand which bewrayeth itself”
“Or ‘will call’ or ‘calls’ (h), and says, in effect, Here am I; for the
smell of it, which cannot be hid when held in a man's hand, betrays it;
and the faster he holds it, and the more he presses and squeezes it, and
the more it is heated hereby, the more it diffuses its savour, and is
known to be where it is; and so all attempts to stop the mouth of a
brawling woman does but cause her to brawl the louder.”
The scripture makes it clear that, in this case, the man cannot change
the behavior of the woman. It is impossible. He might as well attempt
to hide the wind in the palm of his hand. All his attempts to stop the
brawling will cause the contention to grow louder. He often has to flee
the scene to find peace.
The contentious firstfruit stands alone in the Salvation Process and must work
to overcome this behavior. Contentiousness must be overcome or
displaced by bringing in gentleness. Even contemporary books dealing
with negative behaviors understand that the individual is responsible
for his situation. In one such book on marital relations, I read, “Our
spouses must be first and foremost responsible for themselves. We allow
ourselves to be trapped in the idea that we must be responsible for what
our spouses do and what might happen to them. The truth is that we can
never be responsible for another adult, nor should we try to be. Our
spouses must own their problems. They must bear the consequences of
their own choices. They must suffer the pain of their own illnesses.
This is not our burden to bear” This is confirmed in verse
16.
Notice more from the Word of God:
…work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. –Philippians 2:12b
And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of
sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed. The night
is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of
darkness, and let us put on the armour of light. Let us walk honestly,
as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and
wantonness, not in strife and envying. But put ye on the Lord Jesus
Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts
thereof. –Romans 13:11-14
A Call To Gentleness
Here are just a few scriptures admonishing us to invoke the principle of
gentleness:
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in
heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. –Matthew 11:29
With all lowliness and meekness,
with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love. –Ephesians 4:2
Let your moderation be known unto
all men. The Lord is at hand. –Philippians 4:5
Put on therefore, as the elect of
God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind,
meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one
another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave
you, so also do ye. –Colossians 3:12-13
But we were gentle among you,
even as a nurse cherisheth her children. –1 Thessalonians 2:7
Wherefore, my beloved brethren,
let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the
wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God. –James 1:19-20
But the wisdom that is from above
is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of
mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy. –James
3:17
Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love
as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous. –1 Peter 3:8
There is no place for contentiousness in any of these scriptures. These
scriptures are to be embraced and invoked by the firstfruit. There is
no place in the life of a firstfruit to be contentious. Bring in the
gentleness and the contention will depart.
How Do I Invoke Gentleness?
In our study of having no appearance of evil, we learn that if we are
walking down the path of righteousness and see an evil off to our right
or left at a distance of some one-hundred yards, we are never to take
even one step toward it. We are to shrink back from it. The further we
are from darkness the more we are in the light. The more we shrink back
from contentiousness, the easier it is to replace it with gentleness.
Let us consider some practical examples. Each of these is assumed to be
from common, everyday life encounters among friends, spouses and
romantic couples.
Situation One: A friend shares with you his or her opinion or
personal belief about something and you, inwardly, disagree. Rather
than attacking their opinion or belief directly, simply acknowledge it
and offer to share yours. Keep the conversation soft. Attempt to see
the situation through their eyes. Make gentle inquiry as to the basis
of their belief. Calmly explain the basis of your beliefs. Reason
together.
Situation Two: Avoid contentious buzz words. Let reason and
logic prevail rather than your language, intonation and/or auditory
level [yelling]. Avoid the
phrases, “that is incorrect” or “you are wrong.” Be judicious in your
use of the word, “No.” Rather, gently offer a different viewpoint or
premise. Say something like, “here is my take on that subject.” Do not
attempt to destroy his beliefs. Let him destroy his own erroneous
beliefs using the truth you bring forth in your calmly presented
position.
Situation Three: Someone says something to you that you take
sharply as most offensive. Rather than flying off the handle with great
indignation and boisterousness [unrestrained
roughness], reference that phrase from the definition of
“gentleness” above and apply “gentle scolding.” Calmly sit the person
down and make inquiries as to what they meant by that statement.
Remember that the English language is not the most effective in
communicating feelings and emotions. An utterance in one context could
be taken as an abomination while in another a loving complement or
endearment. I have personally seen misunderstandings of language
utterly destroy what would have been otherwise an enduring and blissful
relationship. Do not allow contentiousness to destroy a friendship.
Let me end this piece with some quotes on gentleness.
“Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the
strong”
“Gentleness is the antidote for cruelty.”
“Vanquish an angry man by gentleness.”
“Gentleness corrects whatever is offensive in our manner.”
“Gentleness succeeds better than violence.”
Thou hast also given me the shield of thy salvation: and thy right hand
hath holden me up, and thy gentleness hath made me great. –Psalms 18:35 |
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